Take Only What You Need
Nihilism is Narcissus’ Echo
“There’s a lot I want to cover. First, you lied to me. You didn’t have a cancellation, this is your lunch hour.” “Well, we haven’t spoken for a year and you sounded desperate in your message, I-” “Ha, thank you, you didn’t have to. How are you?”
“Honest?” “Your ex again?” “He’s been good, out of the picture. It’s my mother. I’ve had a medical scare and she’s not there when I need her.” “Medical scare?” “I’ll put it this way, I’ve been having heavy periods.” “The vaccine?” “Millions have died.” “Did you vaccinate your kids?” “Of course.” “How are they doing?” “My oldest is a royal bitch right now.” “Fourteen now, right?” “The youngest, she’s just trying to hold on.” “That time of life can be hell.” “It doesn’t help that our internet sucks, we have to ration online time.” “What does it say about our society that you have to choose between your job and your daughter’s education?” “It took my mother a week to respond.”
“Have you read Lasch?” “Who?” “Deleuze or Guattari?” “Nope.” “Freud?” “He’s been debunked.” “Kafka?” “His father was hard on him, huh?” “Dostoevsky?” “Didn’t he marry someone, like, twenty years his junior?” “Nietzsche?” “Ah, nihilism, we spoke briefly of him last time, right?” “Ha, briefly. I ended by paraphrasing a joke of his, a dangerous thing to do, ‘When a woman has scholarly inclinations there is usually something wrong with her sexuality. Academia is meant, if I may be allowed to say so, for the unfruitful – men.’” “He was a product of his time.” “Born posthumously. More prophet than product. The further I chase this rabbit, the more I think nihilism and narcissism are the same thing, or at least inseparable. I don’t understand the difference between intention and pathology-” “Well, on one hand, they know what they are doing and-” “No, I mean practically, for someone dealing with a dependent. Do you have any advice that works for you?” “Just use stock responses.” “Like, when someone asks how you’re doing, just respond ‘good’?” “Exactly. Prescribed phrases to give the least amount of attention. You want to be part of other’s lives, but there are some who always want more.”
“Thanks, Doc.” “I’m not a doctor, I’m a practitioner.” “What’s that now?” “A practitioner is a therapist who can prescribe, a doctor is a better paid practitioner.” “How much do therapists usually make? The therapist you advised charged almost fifty bucks more than you have.” “She teaches Women’s Studies at the college in mid-town. How’d that go?” “She called me a ‘good ole’ boy’ within the first twenty minutes. She’s divorced too. She cried when she talked about her son and told me we share a med. Twice the dosage. I’m not sure how much good talking really does, but I’m willing to listen. She said nothing troubled her though, so everything’s good.”
“I thought about getting into this field myself. I think I can do a lot of good and be good at it. The only thing stopping me is the price… and schooling.” “I’m still paying student loans and I’m at least a decade older than you, will be for some time more.” “That’s my problem, I paid my debt as soon as I could. I’m free, at least more free than I have been. I learned far more on my own than from instruction. I think even a year of in-person experience is worth more than some purchased credential, especially in Psychology. You said you spent, what, four years working for a prison before this? My biggest fear is becoming a mirror… How common are narcissists from your experience?” “It was really only a problem with inmates.” “Ha, because they had to behave?”
“There’s this music video I wanted to show you. Care to humor me? I’m just looking for your honest thoughts as this plays.” “We only have a few minutes left.” “I know, I should have lead with this, but the pressure may be more informative. Just describe what you notice.” “I see flames. Oh! I know this band.” “What else?” “I see ‘MGMT’ and ‘Kids’. A transmission plays over serious music, but it’s distorted. I see ‘He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster...’ all this is written childlike, ‘and if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.’ More flames... A kid is tormented by monsters. Aw, I feel so sorry for the kid.” “That’s the one thing I was hoping you wouldn’t say.” “I mean the actor, the kid’s too young for that.” “Anything else?” “The kid is going through so much... he seems content now in the vehicle with his mom. Now he’s watching a kid’s program with a dancing wolf.” “We can stop here, we won’t have time to finish and talk. The beginning matters most anyway.” “The Mark Twain quote?” “That’s not Clemens, that’s Nietzsche.” “Which one?” “It’s a single quote.” “Really? I’ve read a lot of the existentialists.” “Almost two hundred million views on the band’s official channel. I found no meaning to it.” “They have a new album coming out, right?” “I recommend finishing the video.”
“I sent the prescription change. With all these shortages, best to stock up. Should we schedule for the same time next month?” “I’ll let you know for another time. You have my gratitude. I hope your health improves. Take care.” “Take care.”
‘The screen’s black, now what?’ ‘The kid looked so happy once he ran away from the monsters.’ ‘All the monsters.’ ‘Are the monsters what the woman sees?’ ‘There were no other women in the video.’ ‘Or the babe?’ ‘There were no other kids either.’ ‘Is maturity what is cautioned here?’ ‘The performers wore onesies and makeup.’ ‘Or social interaction?’ ‘Should we watch it again?’ ‘I’m good.’
‘Where’s her motivation?’ ‘She thinks she’s helping someone.’ ‘Makes you wonder if you’ve ever helped, huh?’ ‘With the debt she keeps accruing, it’s hard not to believe her suffering was, is for nothing.’ ‘Those medical bills won’t be cheap.’ ‘I stuck with her because her first degree was in Creative Writing.’ ‘If she believed in it, it would’ve been obvious long ago. She’s not entirely wrong about the prescriptive phrases.’ ‘I know.’ ‘To the pharmacy then?’ ‘I’m good.’
‘Would a prostitute be better?’ ‘Ha, I feel like one. Maybe I’d be good at it.’ ‘The modern online variety couldn’t be cheaper or easier to get.’ ‘And hoard bandwidth?’ ‘What about a man?’ ‘This isn’t about male and female, it’s about free spirits and empty nesters.’ ‘The eagle and the snake?’ ‘Those are different species.’ ‘Which would be more phallic?’ ‘I’m talking about Man.’ ‘Ape?’ ‘Exactly. You can’t learn what you already know.’ ‘Should we tell her that?’ ‘I’ve tried.’ ‘One more go?’ ‘I’m good.’
‘Is there a more depressing place than a psychiatrist’s office?’ ‘One’s own, framed.’ ‘She barely had inflection this time.’ ‘She must have upped her dose. I sympathize with her kids. I don’t get the sense she’d hurt them intentionally.’ ‘The road to hell, huh?’ ‘I have a better grasp which sense Nietzsche meant by not being able to take in words without seeing gestures. The growing pangs of language enables the near-blind to better capture a moment. If I get too far ahead, everything seems as if I’m behind. Reactions on faces don’t match what I’d expect... A poor lip-sync from a plastic mask in a foreign tongue… An echo suspended in a bubble of unpolished pretense… A cast cry the shape of a barbed lure… Does independence require one to be a monster? …I need sleep.’ ‘Perhaps they do know, but are too timid.’ ‘Ha, I’m not falling for it again.’ ‘Like from a tree?’ ‘What are you after?’ ‘You’re not afraid of becoming a mirror, only what’s not reflected. You don’t want to be understood, but felt. Your mind is your own, right?’ ‘You’re cruel.’ ‘To the point. If you want sleep, solving this will help.’ ‘Enough!’ ‘Where are we going?’ ‘I’m going for a walk.’ ‘And the blisters?’ ‘I’m good.’
(When is it appropriate to be a child? When No is not enough.)